LOVELY
It has been almost a year since the last blog entry and the last word I wrote was “hopefully on next entry I will rant about my next job.” Nope it didn’t happen. I’m still unemployed and deep in debt. So deep that i’m drowning and needed saving. See what I did there, needed SAVING! Get it? No? Oh well.
I don’t really know what to write on this entry, probably ranting about my self diagnose depression and anxiety. I really feel like I want to seek for professional help. But I just can’t seem to get myself out from this place of comfortable pain. Kinda enjoyed it, loving it here. I know it’s bad, but when you feel hopeless with no motivation or purpose in your life, you kinda just enjoyed what is being presented at you. If its pain then be it. If its happiness you take it too. You don’t get to pick what you feel on that day. That's how I feel every time I woke up. Just embrace everything that is happening to you. I can’t be bother to care about how my day gonna be. Don’t get too happy, don’t be too sad.
For a whole year of a journey to search for myself back, I didn’t find it. I’m still struggling to see where I belong and what will works for me in a long term. I always felt like losing weight will change my life drastically. Should I try that? I’ve tried it countless time and failed big times as many times that i’ve tried. I probably weight around 197kg right now but i’m blind guessing ‘cause for real tho, there is no weighing machine that can read my weight. The limit is 180kg. If I step in, it’ll show ERROR. I always wanted to lose some weight and get in a good shape to see how i’ll look like if I ever lose all this weight. Probably look like my late 20’s age with flabby skin and dark sugar skin. Oh well, I think I should try to do that and see where it takes me. If I ever lose weight and lose 90kg, i’ll write in here again and see how long it takes me. We’ll get there stray dreamers. Soon it’ll be bright.
I don’t really know what to write on this entry, probably ranting about my self diagnose depression and anxiety. I really feel like I want to seek for professional help. But I just can’t seem to get myself out from this place of comfortable pain. Kinda enjoyed it, loving it here. I know it’s bad, but when you feel hopeless with no motivation or purpose in your life, you kinda just enjoyed what is being presented at you. If its pain then be it. If its happiness you take it too. You don’t get to pick what you feel on that day. That's how I feel every time I woke up. Just embrace everything that is happening to you. I can’t be bother to care about how my day gonna be. Don’t get too happy, don’t be too sad.
For a whole year of a journey to search for myself back, I didn’t find it. I’m still struggling to see where I belong and what will works for me in a long term. I always felt like losing weight will change my life drastically. Should I try that? I’ve tried it countless time and failed big times as many times that i’ve tried. I probably weight around 197kg right now but i’m blind guessing ‘cause for real tho, there is no weighing machine that can read my weight. The limit is 180kg. If I step in, it’ll show ERROR. I always wanted to lose some weight and get in a good shape to see how i’ll look like if I ever lose all this weight. Probably look like my late 20’s age with flabby skin and dark sugar skin. Oh well, I think I should try to do that and see where it takes me. If I ever lose weight and lose 90kg, i’ll write in here again and see how long it takes me. We’ll get there stray dreamers. Soon it’ll be bright.
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| Tegalalang Rice Terrace, Bali, Indonesia Feb2019 (Went on family vacation and Bali was amazing) |
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