COMEBACK
I haven't write anything in a long time. The last time I post something here is about 3 years ago. I just don't want to write in a Blogspot anymore. Who would read pun. Who would still use Blogspot and do blogwalking. Probably non. But here I am, trying to write something from my heart. Just to get it out on something.
The past 3 years, a lot of things have changed. 3 years ago on January 2014, I was jobless. I was helping my family to take care of the house chore and trying(not really) to lose some weight. But I was not happy. I don't have money, my family looked down on me for not being able to provide myself material stuff. I was depressed and in a stressful situation. So one afternoon on 8th April 2014, right after I finished my Zohor prayer(which I rarely do), I received an email for an interview. A job interview. Of course I was so pumped and nervous at the same time. Don't know if i'm gonna get it or not but either way i went to the interview and got the job. First year was awesome, I am learning and gaining new experiences and i'm so eager to learn each day. Second year was okay. Third year was doable but almost drowning. Forth year which is this year, 2017, was bad. Early this year it was bad, middle of the year it was worse, coming towards end of year it becoming more worse. I come to realize this is not what i enjoy doing everyday. I hate this job. I hate the environment, the staff, the management, everything. Slowly, I feel myself not happy anymore. I am not happy with myself and my career path. The most frustrating part is, not knowing what you want in your life at 26 years old. Like I want to escape but there is no escape door. I wanna build one but I don't know how. It's so frustrating and I keep having voices in my head. I am not okay. Not okay with everything. I am not happy.
This year, 2017, with 3 months more for its to end, I still don't achieve goals that I make and i'm the only one to blame. I am not progressing, its like i'm refusing to move ahead and put all those crap behind.
Did I mention about I met who I thought gonna be the love of my life 3 years ago same day that i got the job? It was a long distance relationship that i tried really hard to make it work but it didn't. For believing something for 3 years, and hold that close to your heart, hoping that it wont break and it will last, and when it did broke, it just left you with a big deep scar in your heart. Something that i'm not good at handling. I am not good with goodbyes. I tend to get so attach when i'm so comfortable with that person. He was my first true love. Not those puppy/crush love I had but a true one. Where you plan future and hoping it will come true someday. Where your share sadness and happiness together. We went through a lot. A roller coaster journey and somehow it last for almost 3 years. But relationship won't work when there is only one side that wanted to make it work and the other side don't. 30th January 2017, we broke up and only God knows how much it hurt. I don't even know myself anymore. I lost myself trying to give love for somebody that I believe in so much. I put us in trust. It just couldn't last.
Here I am, still feeling sad about this matter, and still break down in tears every time i'm thinking about him. Break up is the same for everyone. It sucks. I don't enjoy it. I hate it. As much as I hate my job. I try to embrace the journey, but I don't want to. I rather have this thing end quickly so I can move on with my life. I am trying, my really best, but I haven't move an inch. It has getting a lot more worse. I just want it to stop.
The past 3 years, a lot of things have changed. 3 years ago on January 2014, I was jobless. I was helping my family to take care of the house chore and trying(not really) to lose some weight. But I was not happy. I don't have money, my family looked down on me for not being able to provide myself material stuff. I was depressed and in a stressful situation. So one afternoon on 8th April 2014, right after I finished my Zohor prayer(which I rarely do), I received an email for an interview. A job interview. Of course I was so pumped and nervous at the same time. Don't know if i'm gonna get it or not but either way i went to the interview and got the job. First year was awesome, I am learning and gaining new experiences and i'm so eager to learn each day. Second year was okay. Third year was doable but almost drowning. Forth year which is this year, 2017, was bad. Early this year it was bad, middle of the year it was worse, coming towards end of year it becoming more worse. I come to realize this is not what i enjoy doing everyday. I hate this job. I hate the environment, the staff, the management, everything. Slowly, I feel myself not happy anymore. I am not happy with myself and my career path. The most frustrating part is, not knowing what you want in your life at 26 years old. Like I want to escape but there is no escape door. I wanna build one but I don't know how. It's so frustrating and I keep having voices in my head. I am not okay. Not okay with everything. I am not happy.
This year, 2017, with 3 months more for its to end, I still don't achieve goals that I make and i'm the only one to blame. I am not progressing, its like i'm refusing to move ahead and put all those crap behind.
Did I mention about I met who I thought gonna be the love of my life 3 years ago same day that i got the job? It was a long distance relationship that i tried really hard to make it work but it didn't. For believing something for 3 years, and hold that close to your heart, hoping that it wont break and it will last, and when it did broke, it just left you with a big deep scar in your heart. Something that i'm not good at handling. I am not good with goodbyes. I tend to get so attach when i'm so comfortable with that person. He was my first true love. Not those puppy/crush love I had but a true one. Where you plan future and hoping it will come true someday. Where your share sadness and happiness together. We went through a lot. A roller coaster journey and somehow it last for almost 3 years. But relationship won't work when there is only one side that wanted to make it work and the other side don't. 30th January 2017, we broke up and only God knows how much it hurt. I don't even know myself anymore. I lost myself trying to give love for somebody that I believe in so much. I put us in trust. It just couldn't last.
Here I am, still feeling sad about this matter, and still break down in tears every time i'm thinking about him. Break up is the same for everyone. It sucks. I don't enjoy it. I hate it. As much as I hate my job. I try to embrace the journey, but I don't want to. I rather have this thing end quickly so I can move on with my life. I am trying, my really best, but I haven't move an inch. It has getting a lot more worse. I just want it to stop.
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| Amaris Hotel, Jogjakarta 18/2/2017 (my last visit) |
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