LOSER
The decision to lift up the barrier on comfort zone has finally been made. I am officially quitting my job without any back up plan. Sounds stupid right? Wait 'till you see how much deep in debt I am and how big my commitment is each month. All of this things are pressuring me, pressuring my health and make me unsure with my future. But the moment i hand over my resignation letter one month ago, I knew deep down inside me all the burden I held so dearly to my heart, the anxiety that messing with my thoughts are no longer there. At least for that part. Part where you wake up in the morning and always questioning, "What the fuck am I doing right now? Who am I? Why do I have to wake up?". For about one year and a half, I am struggling with this thoughts every single morning when i'm awake. Break down in my car on my way to office just because I hate it. I hate everything about it. No purpose, no motivation, nothing excite me anymore.
So what's now? What i'm planning to do? What my next step? There is bill waiting to be paid at the end of the month. I am left with no job nor job opportunity. I am still struggling to wake up with a purpose. I have no plan. Life was too much for me at this moment. I can't plan future that is so far ahead. I will ended up with pain that left me with those voices. I hate it. I hate that voices.
My ex are happier now with his new life, with new partner while i'm still here lost in my life. I'm a real definition of sore loser. I will blame every thing that happen to me on someone else expecting them to take responsibility on what has happened and let me be the victim. I know, I am a sore loser. I don't accept defeat with open heart. I want to be on the winning side, I want to be the winner. Tell me who doesn't? But being bitter about it, blaming, screaming, crying will never solve anything. I'm aware of that. Its okay to be on the loser side, its okay to be here and accept the defeat. I lose.
I am now living for 24 hours ahead of me. No planning for tomorrow. If tomorrow, I feel like crying and be a total sore loser, I let myself be that. I am also actively searching for jobs. What I really want today, is not to work 8-6 jobs. I rather work 24 hours doing something i truly love and find meaning in it. Money didn't excite me anymore. I just need them for them bills. I want passion. I need purpose and passion. Hopefully on next entry, I will rant about my new job.
P/S : Selamat Hari Raya, Maaf Zahir Dan Batin
I am my mother's child, I'll love you 'til my breathing stops
So what's now? What i'm planning to do? What my next step? There is bill waiting to be paid at the end of the month. I am left with no job nor job opportunity. I am still struggling to wake up with a purpose. I have no plan. Life was too much for me at this moment. I can't plan future that is so far ahead. I will ended up with pain that left me with those voices. I hate it. I hate that voices.
My ex are happier now with his new life, with new partner while i'm still here lost in my life. I'm a real definition of sore loser. I will blame every thing that happen to me on someone else expecting them to take responsibility on what has happened and let me be the victim. I know, I am a sore loser. I don't accept defeat with open heart. I want to be on the winning side, I want to be the winner. Tell me who doesn't? But being bitter about it, blaming, screaming, crying will never solve anything. I'm aware of that. Its okay to be on the loser side, its okay to be here and accept the defeat. I lose.
I am now living for 24 hours ahead of me. No planning for tomorrow. If tomorrow, I feel like crying and be a total sore loser, I let myself be that. I am also actively searching for jobs. What I really want today, is not to work 8-6 jobs. I rather work 24 hours doing something i truly love and find meaning in it. Money didn't excite me anymore. I just need them for them bills. I want passion. I need purpose and passion. Hopefully on next entry, I will rant about my new job.
P/S : Selamat Hari Raya, Maaf Zahir Dan Batin
I am my mother's child, I'll love you 'til my breathing stops
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