I REALIZED

I haven't write in here for quite some time. I was busy mending my broken heart and searching purpose in my life. Still struggling to keep my head above the water to prevent my self from drowning. I have been trying a lot of things to distracted my mind from all the voices. Been practicing ukulele a lot now. I can play songs on ukulele and I'm impressed with myself. Maybe because I used to play guitar before so ukulele is nothing for me.

This year, 2018, right on the new year morning, something hit me in the depth of my heart. The realization of "I don't want to die anymore, I want to live" give me a slap in the face. I was sobbing in the bathroom thinking how shitty my year are, how I was not myself the whole year and how I was struggling with bad thoughts. I was just thinking about my parents, my sisters. They were all there for me. That's when I made up my mind to get myself on my feet again and fix this problem.

Of course, things like this don't just clear up in a blink of an eye. It takes years and years until you are fully heal and hope to God you are forever heal. I am now learning to just accept things for what it is day by day. If my day happen to be bad, then be it. If its a good day, then smile as much as I could. I also learn to smile even in a bad day, because its a gift that I still have emotion to feel and grow. I am still lost and have no clue what to do with my life. I hope I can figure it out soon. But if I figure it out later when I'm turning 45 years old, it is still fine. Moving at my own pace. One step at a time.

So this is my rant for this entry. Till I write again.

Shah Alam, Circa 1992.
(With cuzzo and my sister)

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